Musings from outside the mainstream.
Andy in Georgia writes to Dear Abby that he has made contact with his bio-dad. His mother however has responded coldly to this news. Andy reports “After I told her I have been talking to him for two years, she became upset and has been short with me and my wife ever since.”
This scenario bugs me to no end. Not so much in what Abby didn’t address, but that bio-mom is punishing her son for his natural and understandable curiosity. And, this scenario sure seems far more common for the woman to be bent out of shape when a child seeks out a relationship with the bio-dad than vice versa, (though I’m sure that the reverse also happens as well).
Dear Abby should have said this:
Andy, it’s perfectly normal for a child to want to know about their biological parent. It doesn’t matter the reason for the lack of contact, (Andy stated bio-dad had been out of the picture since he was 4 years old) the adult who has been present should not take it personally. Full stop.
Your mom is out of line to be emotionally manipulative with you. As long as you have not changed how you treat and involve your mother and your stepdad in your life, continue to grow the relationship with your bio-dad. Adults should be supportive of their children maintaining healthy relationships with their biological and step parents when the adult relationships end. Since your mom clearly isn’t an adult regarding this issue, don’t tell her about it anymore.
Abby suggested “enlisting” your stepfather to appeal to your mother to soften. That suggests you have to walk around on eggshells for your apparent martyr of a mother, and I just don’t have the patience for this. Your mom needs to grow up. And in my experience manipulators like this don’t ever grow up.
However, I would make a point to tell your stepdad how much you appreciated having him in your life and the role he played in it. This should reinforce to him that your interest in your bio-dad is no slight to him. If your stepdad is inclined to point this out to your mom, let him do that on his own.
It wouldn’t hurt to tell your mom this either. But as you’ve said you’re close, it seems like you would have already expressed this or it would have been unnecessary. If you haven’t, give it a shot, but don’t expect much. And don’t let your mom’s passive aggressiveness keep you from getting to know your bio-dad.