A View from the Bubble

Musings from outside the mainstream.

Men need to hear it from men

CLASSIC OVER ANALYZER tells DEAR ABBY that his lunch date, a woman he’s been seeing for about month and things have been going well, canceled their lunch date citing a busy week.  He wonders if this is a sign of “a lack of caring or integrity.”

DEAR ABBY suggests he’s insecure and weighs in that that simply canceling doesn’t indicate a lack of interest.  ABBY gives the guy a break, actually.  I won’t be so kind.  Because, frankly, I think men need to hear it from men for it to sink in.

 ________________________________________

Dear CLASSIC OVER ANALYZER,

You appear to be a classic narcissist.  Her apology is genuine, but it’s still not good enough?  Dear god, do her a favor, do all women a favor, and the rest of us a men a favor by not dating women until you’ve pulled yourself off your pedestal and worked on changing your viewpoint.

News flash; people have lives, things come up.  Sometimes we have to cancel.  All by itself one cancelation is not an indication of anything.  What you should pay attention to is this; did she give you enough warning so you weren’t sitting alone waiting for a rendezvous and is she talking about the next time you’ll get together with anticipation?

I’ve recently had dates with several women who have lived with classic masculine narcissists.  It was amazing to see the similarity in their reactions when describing what it’s like to live with them; their shoulders sank, there was an instant look of fatigue, and because they still co-parent, these women displayed a A36W5Jresigned hopelessness because for the next 3-4 years they’re still going to have to deal with their ex’s devotion to his own world view, absent any empathy or openness to another’s perspective or needs.

I’ve been on both sides of narcissism.  It took the end of my marriage to realize that sometimes I just need to shut up and accept that not everyone agrees with me, or needs to, for that matter.  More recently, I was with a woman whose needs trumped mine, every time.  And her emotional withdrawals over minor issues became so incredibly fatiguing, I broke up with her.

OVER ANALYZER, did you feel yourself withdrawing from your lady friend over a simple cancelation of a lunch date?  If so, you might examine how something like that could so easily derail a relationship that, by your account, has been going well.  It would be interesting to know the details of other relationships that have ended so soon, were they over little things?

It is true that some people place their career before relationship to an extent that they don’t maintain the connection to the level/needs of the other.  But this doesn’t seem the case.  So before you judge this woman, I recommend going to a counselor (find a male counselor who won’t candy coat his feedback) and explore why you seem to think this woman failed you when she was simply busy.

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This entry was posted on October 14, 2014 by in Advice and tagged , , , , , .
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